It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
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Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes