My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
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Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
*3.5 thank you very much.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
this is 10/10 content no notes
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume