It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
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Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
decorating my apartment
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no