@CVTBaby: It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I'm back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
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@smithsara79: "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take," I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
@DanMentos: Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn't seen him much lately
@JDBooie: "I love you and I will always keep you safe." DAUGHTER: What about bees? "I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe."
@EndhooS: [Jack Black's birthday] Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma. "How is Rock School going dear?" It's School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
@AllyBallyBeal: Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me Me: Really? Looks to me you should've been eating a hell of a lot more
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