It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
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Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.