@TheTalkingPipe: It won't be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It will be my inability to know when I should or shouldn't laugh at something.
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@Mr_Kapowski: [press session regarding increase in shark bites] Reporter: Are there more attacks in one area? Scientist: [lips against mic] In the water
@Mz_Cake_Vodka: My ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But I can't drive a bus.
@Ohgoddessitsme: My fathers wife bought a "Christian cookbook" I didn't even know they had different recipes, I've been eating sin all along.