@TheTalkingPipe: It won't be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It will be my inability to know when I should or shouldn't laugh at something.
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@Mz_Cake_Vodka: My ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But I can't drive a bus.
@jergarl: The Wizard of Oz is my favorite children's book that teaches us that it's ok to steal shoes from someone as long as they're dead.
@Robert_Beau: I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.