There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
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I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Herpes is trending, good job people
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.