It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
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I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !