It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
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The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?