It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
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wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.