IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
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You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?