@meganamram: Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You're probably on fire!
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@iwearaonesie: "Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes" - me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I'm locked out
@myvisable: If a woman is bad at parking it's because she is constantly lied to about what 8 inches is.
@JesKeepSwimming: Him: "I feel-" Me: "I FEEL IT TOO. IT'S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU'RE MY LOBSTER." Him: "-gassy."