It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
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I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
I love you…
…r dog.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult