[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
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Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Sorry I made promises on Friday
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
😏😏😏
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
dream blunt rotation
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money