They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
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I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
me irl
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Well, this explains it:
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.