3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
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[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
This was the best day of my life
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
a fate I wish upon no one
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal