Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
You Might Also Like
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
*skinny dips into black hole
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Girl, same.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim