“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
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alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Breaking news:
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Put a ring on it