@garrydavenport: "It's 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything" - cats
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@cromp_daddy: man [looking at condom in horror]: oh no.. it's expired woman: don't condoms take like 5 years to expire? man [visibly sweating]: uhhhh
@DadandBuried: "Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!" - My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
@internetluke: That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*