It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
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Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Science memes
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
These work great until they don’t.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral