“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
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toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.