“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
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H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets