“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
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Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
c’mon!
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.