@JElvisWeinstein: "It's a competition, I didn't come here to make friends." -- Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season's "Friendmakers".
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@PaperWash: "Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?" *Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down* "Omg!" Narrator: The power of Febreeze
@torrami: Never let them see how much they hurt you. Or the gun. Definitely don't let them see the gun.
@rockymomax: WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I'll leave you ME: but I'm a slave 4 u WIFE: that's it ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
@LizHackett: "Excuse the mess; we had guests," I graciously explain, leaving out the "five months ago" part.