@JElvisWeinstein: "It's a competition, I didn't come here to make friends." -- Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season's "Friendmakers".
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@Tommytoughstuff: [the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week] ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I'm not dead!
@AnkCoupleTO: Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips Her: Who are you talking to in there? M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
@NicestHippo: ME: Lord, what have I done to deserve this GOD: *unfurls a scroll that keeps going for miles* Well
@DiscoFruit: [first date] her: so are you a dog or cat person? me: *long dramatic pause* well... i'm almost positive that i'm just a normal person..?