It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
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I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
I WON A HAM TODAY
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are