I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
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My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it