Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
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My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
every single time
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.