My friends tinder conversation PLEASE βπΌπππ
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Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
me w/kids:
Donβt tell anybody where you learned that.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
My kids think theyβre way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age Iβd already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I wonβt be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Friend: Youβre so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
The clearest evidence that Iβve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
When serial killers canβt afford to travel, they take slaycations
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
ME: Iβll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
The first rule of Nun Club is βno dirty habits.β
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?