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@Schmoodles: It's a shame push-up bras don't work on IQs.
@geowizzacist: (Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
@Izianikapani: Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
@Cheeseboy22: We can't afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we're going to take them to an IKEA instead.
@thatcarlygirl: What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
- My toddler, wooing the dog
@BradBroaddus: My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine's Day so I guess I'll stay home with the kids.