It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
You Might Also Like
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?