Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
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You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim