It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
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*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today