It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
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this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink