@TomSchally: It's adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I'd somehow forget.
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@MUMSIEesq: [3AM] FRIEND *opens front door* What now?! ME: Are you sure you don't think I'm too needy?
@AimeeHelene1: Tonight's special: Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings $105 - Fancy restaurants
@beefman138: Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again. Me : Why can't they do it in a bed, like normal people?
@MicheleAKALips: When life hands you 3 kids..... You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.