It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
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me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho