Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
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alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.