It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
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They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Botany good plants lately?
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.