I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
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quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler