It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
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When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING