It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
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Sell your car
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
I’m sure it’s fine.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Oops
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach