Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
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[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!