It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
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my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
the clam before the storm
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.