@Cheeseboy22: It's always a good idea to make friends with babies. That's free cake once a year for a lifetime.
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@rockymomax: [me as a magician] *pulls rabbit from hat* AUDIENCE: ooOoOo *pulls knife from hat* A: ooOoOo *pulls sautée pan from hat* A: NNOOOOOO
@stephenjmolloy: Wife: "I'm sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over." Me: "You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over."
@sixfootcandy: I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid: Dog game piece Boardwalk and Park Place. Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
@LeBearGirdle: Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*