@Cheeseboy22: It's always a good idea to make friends with babies. That's free cake once a year for a lifetime.
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@OleThickHawk: My wife came into my room at the ER and started unplugging stuff and flipping switches until she realized that I had just sprained my ankle.
@jake_lach: I need to lay off the caffeine. My neighbor keeps complaining that I'm tackling her much more than usual
@AndyAsAdjective: Did you dream of me, baby? -Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk? No, silly. -Then no.
@HiddenPinky: [Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me] Me: At least somebody's happy to see me! Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*