It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
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When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.