It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
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If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science