it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
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friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Geez man, take it easy.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces