It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
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she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
*seductively corrects your posture*
Breaking news:
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
is this a threat
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.