It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
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Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.