It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
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My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB