When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
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[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?