It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
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If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
this has done me in for some reason
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me: