It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
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Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.