I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
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Choose your fighter
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
accurate
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Your honor these allegations are
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!