It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
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If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”