Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
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[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.