I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
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Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
that lip filler tho
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.