“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
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The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.